“True life is lived when tiny changes occur”

“I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts”

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity”

“Love is an ideal thing, marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished”

“Ability is nothing without opportunity”

“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”